What's really going on?

Ah...I didn't want to share this. I didn't think there was a need. But if I truly desire this space to be one that is real and authentic, I've got to share what's going on in my head.

I don't know where this post (or heck, this blog) is going yet, but it has been a week or so and I feel like I need to share some of my raw and (minimally) edited thoughts behind the scenes of these well thought out, and heavily edited blog posts.

Here goes.

When I started this blog, I had so many ideas and so many drafted posts.

Every time I sensed God put a strong desire in my heart to share something, I would immediately ditch all the studying I was doing. Sit down. Let my thoughts flow as my fingers did the work. Done. Post after post (some are not yet published). It was so effortless.

It was almost like I already knew every single detail I wanted to write down. I truly believe it's because they were such impactful experiences that God had guided me through. Which made it so easy to share because I have personally felt the full force of conviction through these stories.

But as I shared this link to more people, I started to question my intentions. I started to second guess the purpose of this blog. I started to doubt the usefulness of my sharing.

What do I really want from this? Where is this going?!

I'm afraid.

What if underlying all my desire to glorify and point others towards Jesus Christ, I ended up pointing it to myself and my own desires?

The point of this was always to share my personal perspective of how God had changed my life, and how He continues to reveal Truth to me though my life (i.e. His story for me).

However, the danger in this is that although it's God's story, it's also His particular story for me. Which means that a significant part of it is going to somehow detail me and my life😰.

Until the most recent 2-3 years of my life I have never been able to be open with my flaws or even think about embracing them. For a person who is still new-ish to this journey of opening up. I am honestly horrified.

Don't get me wrong, I love talking about my life and how God's working in, through and for me. (Maybe a little too much😣).

But it's different when these words are put in a public space where anyone can potentially evaluate, criticise, disagree/agree and judge.

So maybe part of the problem is I just care too much about what other people think.

There are definitely many mornings I wake up excited and jittery to continue to work on the posts for this blog. I get so excited to share the stories of how God has impacted me so deeply.

But.

Recently as I created an instagram and facebook page, I started to get scared. I started to become really negative. I even have moments where I don't want to share anymore. I want to delete everything.

I keep thinking oh no, too many people know. Too many people could potentially know. Too many people are reading me for who I really am. Too many people I need to please.

I got so scared that for a few days I unpublished my facebook page and archived all my instagram posts.

It's strange because I know that all of you who are reading this blog (so far) are my close, good friends or people whom I sense God wanting me to share with. I trust you will not change your view of me simply because I shared some of my brokenness.

So where is this fear stemming from?

Sure, some of it is definitely the fleshly part of me that is unwilling to admit I am not completely who I portray to be. It's one thing saying and admitting to people I am messed up because they may not remember in full detail anyways. Also, they have no real evidence to prove my mess😬.

But, sharing this online and proclaiming my brokenness with evidence...I think this is another level of being exposed. This is definitely part of my reluctance to continue this blog.

But digging deeper. Like really, what am I fearful of especially if this is what I sense God convicting me to share (2 Timothy 1:7)?

I guess a part of me is fearful that people will think I am doing this because I think I'm more special than everyone else. I'm afraid that people will think I'm sharing such personal parts of my life because I want attention. I'm afraid that people will start to expect certain things of me. I'm afraid I will not be able to meet every reader's expectations.

I'm afraid I'll run out of stories to share.

I'm afraid I'll lose the effortlessness that comes in writing these posts.

I'm afraid I'll portray God in a manner that is not glorifying at all.

I'm afraid I'll post about something theologically wrong.

I'm afraid I'll prioritise this blog over my personal walk with Jesus.

Hang on...maybe my fear has actually got nothing to do with other people, but I'm really just afraid of the expectations I am placing on myself.

😫

Who ever said I have to be able to consistently do these things?

Who ever said I had to post at least once a week?

Who ever said that every post had to be without typos and perfectly written?

Who ever said that I am only allowed to write about God when I have powerful encounters?

More importantly, did God ever place any of this expectation on me?

God has given me this space to share. Yet I have automatically assumed there are certain expectations and standards I need to meet. Expectations I have subconsciously allowed to control my attitude towards this blog. Expectations that are focused on pleasing man, but not pleasing God.

(I'm realising this so deeply now and praise God for helping me see the problem😭.)

I want to be so careful with what I put out here because I don't want to start thinking that I have to be more special, that I have to meet another beggar🙄, that I have to continue to be inspired by God on a regular basis so I can post at least weekly.

The truth is I don't have to blog anymore. But I choose to. I want to. I love to!

I pray I'll never lose focus of this.

I don't want this to be another item on my to do list.

I want this to be real, I want to find joy in sharing God's story for me. I want quality over quantity for this blog!

Quality of my heart for Jesus over the accuracy of my grammar.

Quality of the reader's faith over the number of subscribers.

Quality of my conviction over the number of posts.

Such a simple concept. Yet I could've missed it.

Praise God for showing me this.

Maybe the next time I won't post until January, or even 2030, or maybe never again.

But why should that matter?

I choose to be okay with that.

It was never about the number of posts I could post in a month. It was always about sharing the precious moments God had gifted me 😊.

It was never about being able to convict the hearts of every reader. It was always about sharing my personal revelations of how God convicted my heart.

I pray this will never be about quantity but it will always be about something that God has burdened me to share.

I pray the posts you read will not be posted for the sake of posting.

I pray that every post will be rooted in my love for God and written with genuine conviction from God.

I pray against my desires to please man, but I pray and dedicate everything to God.

Even if it's just one person God uses this blog to speak to. Even if that one person is me. It doesn't matter.

I'm so grateful for this space where I can share personal revelations about my heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for friends who would even care to read about my life and encourage me to continue. But more than anything in this world, I'm so grateful for a God who has fulfilled all the expectations that are needed for me to have a personal relationship with Him 😊