Intro.

You may be wondering, what am I reading? Good question, because I'm still wondering this very thought as I type this. Here's what I got so far.

Why?

I believe God has given me a beautiful story. He's given you one too! I believe He's written these stories for you and I not only for our own benefit, but to share with others. When God shows me something that resonates deeply, it's often hard to contain such powerful and liberating realisations to myself. His story for others has helped me countless times in my lowest moments, countless!

But I wasn't always blessed with close brothers and sisters who would so willingly share bits of their lives with me. It's a burden of mine knowing that there are still people who don't have a community to journey with. My prayer is that people will experience God and be encouraged by these short stories of how God has personally spoken to me.

Who for?

In short, if you're reading this, then I believe 100% this was written for you.

I remember before I became a Christian I was bothered by how confident Christians were in the realness of an invisible God. They literally sing songs and bow towards something I could not see. How do you even know something invisible (i.e. God) is real? I decided if I ever concluded that this faith is true, I need to be able to explain it to those who want to, but can't see that God is real.

So a large part of sharing God's story for me is to share how Christianity has been revealed to me as the ultimate Truth, and the Truth that continues to change my life. This is written for those who are 1) curious about Christianity, but also 2) Christian brothers and sisters who might be encouraged by bits of how God has personally revealed Himself to me.

How?

Over these four years, God has given me so much I do not deserve. It's like I've been given all this treasure that I cannot keep to myself. I'm going to be as honest as I can with this blog. As much as I sense God is challenging me to be. My prayer is that this will be real, it will be raw, and it will definitely expose some of my personal brokenness and need for God.

Maan, it will for sure be uncomfortable for me at times. But if God places a burden in my heart to share something here, I pray that I will. So here I dedicate this blog to God, and I will write faithfully, fully trusting that if God wants to, He will use it to glorify His name.

But. I'm going to be honest.

I am so afraid.

Thoughts that come,

"Why can't I just share with those around me? There's no need to make a whole blog about it, jeez. The whole world doesn't need to know."

"Why do I think my story is so special? God can use other people to share His story for them too."

I have been thinking about doing something like this for aaaages. A few days ago, during exam season, my final exams as an undergraduate student. On Thursday, 7th November 2019, I started it. (Talk about the worse time to start a big project). I finally procrastinated so hard from exam studies and got to the point where I just couldn't get rid of these promptings in my head/heart, and gave in to create this blog.

The promptings didn't really go away though. (This is happening right now btw). I'm obsessed with this blog that has yet to be published. I keep getting excited about what I'd share first, then next, then I'd get nervous, then I'd get excited about designing the blog, then I'd worry about whether I'm using the best blogging platform...blah. So exam preps really aren't going too great. Oops.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't even feel like there's an extremely specific direction, story, or target audience God wants me to share with. I just feel this sense of need to share some of the precious things God has been showing me.

FYI, at this point, 4 days later, this blog is still not published 😅.

(Obviously if you're reading this now, praise God for giving me the courage to not only publish this, but to share it with you).

I have no idea who this blog will speak to, unsure of whether it'll just be another hobby that dies within a few weeks or days, unsure if people will appreciate/be encouraged by my sharing, unsure if I'm ready to be so real with my story by posting bits of it online, and unsure if anyone would even read this.

But what I'm most fearful of...unsure if this is really what God wants me to do.

Even while I wrestle with these thoughts I realised that fear has been a large part of any of my big decisions to step up and serve God. Whether it be leading a bible study, being a small group leader or starting a blog. Fear consumes me.

I'm afraid that I will make this blog about me. That these stories will somehow really become about me when it really was always about the author, God.

Wait. Haven't I just made all this about my fear anyways? So this fear is still about me then 🤦‍♀️.

But I decided to record this because today's message at church spoke to me. The passage was John 18:28 -19:16; teaching us how we should learn from Pontius Pilate's mistakes in crucifying Jesus. It was summarised like this, we must:

1) Own our conviction,

2) Fear God more than we fear man, and

3) Put God's will before our personal agenda.

(Ha. It's like God knew exactly what I needed to hear 🙄)

Publishing this blog means to commit to all three with my whole heart. The uncertainties are still there. I still don't know 100%, but this persistent desire to share His story is too strong for me to ignore.

Maybe I've just got to step out in faith.

I've no idea if this will be on private, accessible only to a few or completely public. But if you're reading this right now. I do hope you can please keep me in prayer, I really hope you'll understand my heart behind why I'm doing this, and importantly, I hope you know that the very fact that you're reading these raw thoughts of mine right now means you are so special to me and to God.

I pray you will hear God's voice as you read these entries.