Letting go.

I don't think I'll ever forget the beggar I met at Maccas in Taipei, on July, 2019.

Those harsh and desperate eyes that stared straight into mine, refusing to leave and unwilling to let go of what he wanted from me - money.

I'll never forget how my heart was breaking as I continued to shake my head and tried to reject him in the gentlest way possible. In my mind, I kept asking God, "where are you in this man's life?".

For the longest time, my heart has continued to be burdened by the look in those eyes and his aggressive demand for money. Time to time, God continues to remind me of this beggar.

But why?

Why was I so impacted by it?

Two days after that incident, I sensed God whispering to me, "You are this beggar."

Something in me broke.

I remember the tears and heartache that came when I realised I couldn't help but agree.

This was so apparent in the desperate, and perhaps forceful way I 'prayed' to God for things I thought was good.

When I come to God again and again, not to submit to His plans but to tell Him mine. Thinking that what I had planned was really good, there's no way God wouldn't give that to me.

...Right?

That anger/frustration I would feel when God doesn't give it to me.

I sensed a lot of that in the beggar's eyes.

God allowed me a glimpse of what it feels like to be on the other side. To be the one who knew that what this beggar needed wasn't money to buy his next meal. While the beggar knew what he wanted, I knew what he needed. Giving him money would only allow him to believe that what he's doing is fine, that it's ok to just live by and rely on other people. To perhaps even reinforce the idea that money is power, money is all you need to survive.

I knew that there was something lasting I could give him. There will always be that hole that only an infinite God could fill. What he needed was to know that eternal hope, love, joy exists. To know that there is a God who created him with purpose and who sees him in his struggles. A God who holds him in the palm of his hands. A God who has written him a beautiful story that ends with victory.

It made me question,

Am I really trusting God when I pray like this beggar?

Am I really living like I know He is the God whose ways are higher than mine?

-

2018 and 2019 have been two hard years of learning firsthand that I have unhealthy attachments to many things. I can get so invested into something that I'll start to plan my whole life around this one thing.

It's like every time I'm like, yeah, I get it now God, my whole heart is yours. He reminds me gently that it really isn't. He reminds me by exposing the bits of my heart still clinging onto things that are outside of the cross, outside of my relationship with Jesus.

Maybe in the past, I would've reasoned it with "Oh, but it's impossible to give God your whole heart in this sinful world anyways. That'll only be possible in heaven. God sees my heart." But then I started thinking, where is my heart really at when I use that as an excuse to not fully surrender to Him?

I have a plan for 2020. But what is God's plan?

I choose to pray and listen. No matter how things turn out, according to my plans or not, I choose to remember that it is always going God's way.

I may have no idea where I will be and what I will be doing, but I know who will continue to be with me and who is in ultimate control. I choose to let go of what I so desperately long for and instead, I choose to whole heartedly chase after what God knows I need.

I choose to cling onto the Truth of who God is and to take it only one step at a time as He reveals these plans to me.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.